Journal = Journey
On my 8th birthday, I started writing a journal after my nanny (aka Grandma) gave me a Lisa Frank diary, complete with a little secret lock and a magic pen that made it only visible to me. I was so intrigued about locking up my little secrets and hiding them, watching them revealed under the black light under the covers of my bed (who I was hiding them from as I really don’t know…because my big brother could have cared less to read my diary and my little sister was just three years old at the time!). But I loved the whole idea of putting my thoughts on paper, and watching the days go by. I kept that diary, and I kept adding to it. With the delicate decade of the 90s, I loved gel pens and all things Lisa Frank. But most of all, because of that gift from my nanny, I began a journey. This journey known as journaling.
To this day, I’ve got so many journals since I was eight years old. I’m 28 now, so that’s 20 diaries I’ve got stacked up! But I absolutely love it. And if you haven’t journaled or don’t think you’re a journaling person, just think of it as doodling or jotting even a few sentences every week, or perhaps at the end of the week. It’s brought me clarity. It’s where I’ve poured out my heart to God when I was completely blackened out and devastated by the hopelessness of a breakup. But then seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, after leafing back to these precious journals. You know that Hillsong that talks about God being able to do it again? If you can just jot something good that God has done (and there’s ALWAYS something good or to be grateful about), then you can look to the past when you’re going through a horrible tornado in life. You can stand firm and say “God, I now that if you did it once, you can do it again.”
Journaling has in short saved my life. When I was broken to pieces I’d cry over my journals and write my innermost thoughts through the tears. I’d cry in laughter and happiness after frustratingly writing out every inner most anger inside of me, releasing it, and then looking it over again and trying to write out the opposite or the flip side of how I could turn this situation around.
Journaling helped me think and see more clearly. If I was having a foggy day, I get out my journal. I pen my thoughts. But the difference in knowing that these thoughts weren’t just penned to some invisible “Mr. Diary”. When I entered by teen years, I decided to start my entries with “Dear God,” instead of “Dear Diary.” These instantly became a connection to God instead. It was like I was writing letters to God. I wrote prayers to Him. It no longer was a meaningless secret kept beneath the trappings of a lock. It was a prayer that was earnest, written and sent to God knowing that He hears our innermost thoughts. He knows our thoughts even before we utter them to Him, but it makes Him happy just the same for us to utter them out and communicate our feelings to Him.
When I was in my mid twenties, I felt that I should shut out my feelings. There was an era for about five years where it felt like a desert. I had entered some pretty intense and terrifying relationships with men in the past who mentally would drive me to hopelessness. Black and empty holes inside my soul would open up. I became numb in my feelings, and I started to forget to write.
I started to forget my feelings.
And that, is why I’m writing this now. I am realising more, now than ever, that we shouldn’t shut out our feelings. Those feelings have been revived, after having met the love of my life, my husband and eternal life partner Nithin John. He is a gift from God making me realise it’s okay to dive head first and love someone with all you’ve got. He’s made me realise that once you’ve found the one, to hold on to him tight and never let go. I realised that it was wrong to shut out my feelings. I was numbed in the past from relationships that shook me and broke me, from past relationships with guys who made me think I could fall in love with them, and then completely see the relationship shattered before my eyes. Like a giant train horn coming head on I’d have to jump off the tracks to stay emotionally alive. I shut my feelings off and though writing in my journal was dumb. Who cares about my feelings? I need to gain a thicker skin. That’s what I thought when I first moved to London. The miraculous place that made me come alive but at the same time maintain a stiff upper lip and a “keep calm and carry on” attitude while commuting with thousands of strangers all walking faster than I’m used to.
So this is what a journal is to me. A journal is a journey. It’s a celebration of life.
Hey! I’m Sissey. I’m a graduate from the London College of Fashion, majoring in Fashion Journalism. Let’s go on a journey together!
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